Adventures in Hair Removal TMI!!

WARNING! FOR MY FAMILY MEMBERS WHO READ THIS - DON'T GO ANY FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW DETAILS ABOUT MY BIKINI AREA! LOL


Back story: Just about everyone who knows me, whether they want to or not, knows that I'm a big fan of bikini waxing. I've been getting waxes for about 9 years now. My mother thinks I'm insane - she says I must be into S & M to do it. No Mother! It's actually not as painful as you'd think. (It's more painful to wax your lip & chin believe it or not.) Plus - with shaving you have to shave just about daily to keep it stubble-free, and all that shaving causes razor burn and wonderful little red bumps everywhere. While with waxing, I can go 4 - 6 weeks between treatments and have hardly any bumps. Anyway - I've been seeing my current esthetician for about 5 years now, and she suggested I try laser hair removal. I tried it once before, a couple of years ago, but it didn't work. The lasers zap the pigment in the hair follicle, somehow killing the follicle so the hair never grows back. I'm blonde, and unfortunately until recently, it's been almost impossible to laser blondes - not enough pigment in the hair for the laser to zap. My esthetician offered to do my first services for free, just to see if it would work. How could I pass that up??

Okay - enough back story... So... I had my first laser treatment in May. Going in, I had no idea what to expect. Kari told me she was setting the laser on 16 - whatever that means. She was starting out low since I have such pale, sensitive skin. Umm... okay. You're the professional! She was all about to start when she noticed I hadn't shaved the area. She forgot to tell me to shave. In case you didn't know, you have to let the hair grow really long in between waxing treatments, so the wax will have something to adhere to. Obviously, not so with the laser. It's actually best to shave a few days ahead of time because the laser works best on hair in the first stage of growth (there are 3 btw). I offered to reschedule my appointment so I could shave beforehand, but she said no - said it should do fine, it'll just burn the hair and smoke a little. Umm WHAT??? okay... So she started in with the laser. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt a bit! She'd pull the trigger to activate the laser 'flash', I'd feel a little pop, and then a little puff of smoke would waft up. Yep, that's right - I said smoke - the downside to my not shaving. Have you ever burned your hair? Every time she zapped me, it would burn the hair, causing smoke and leaving oh so classy burnt shrivelled up hair. It took me 3 showers with buff puffs to scrub it all off!

Fast forward to this week... I went in for my second treatment. Again my mother said that I'm nuts and must be into S&M. This time I tell her that the waxes are every 4 - 6 weeks. Three or four laser treatments and the hair's gone permanently - I never have to worry about it again! It's sooooo worth it! Besides, it doesn't hurt in the least... or so I thought. she zapped me the first time and I swear I came off of the table. Holy crap that hurt!! So she keeps going - pop pop pop pop pop pop - and I'm doing everything I can to stay on the table. I was trying to take calming breaths, trying to convince myself that it wasn't that bad - but yes it was! I ended up jerking and flopping around like a fish out of water -- screaming and cussing the whole time. That was so embarrassing - I was trying to stay quiet, but I just couldn't. I hollered with every pop! Finally she was halfway done (did the left side). I had to ask her to give me a minute to recover before she started on the right side. While I was catching my breath, I asked her why it hurt so bad this time - there's no way it was just because I shaved this time, was it? No, she tells me. She turned the laser up. Oh you did???? Well great, thanks!! No wonder it felt like she was frying my crotch! She said she could turn it down for the right side if I wanted. Umm no. I'm not having my bikini area permanently lopsided just because I couldn't handle the pain. Just finish so it'll be over & done. So we continued with our little duet - pop pop pop pop pop ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch!! Just when I thought she was finishing, she told me to flip over. Crap - I forgot about my butt!! Now this is always so much fun for me anyway. As if it weren't awkward enough having her remove the hair in the front, I now had to roll over so she can get the hair on my butt... all of it. I always joke that Kari & I have become REALLY good friends. She knows me more intimately than any of my friends! :-) Anyway, back to the story --- I'm on my stomach with my butt in the air and I can't help but think "thank God I don't have gas!" About that time, Kari tells me "now warn me if you have to pass gas. I have to stop. The laser could spark a fire." WHAT????? She said that they taught her in training to always put a wet cotton ball over the client's [anus] in case they passed gas. Otherwise the laser could spark a fire. OH MY GOD!! As if it wasn't uncomfortable enough, now I have to worry about accidentally ripping one and catching my ASS on fire!! Why do I get myself into these messes?? Finally it was done. she told me the hair should fall out in about 7 days, and I needed to come for my next treatment in 6 weeks. Oh - and if I experience any itching, take Benadryl and put Cortisone on the area. That should clear it up.

I woke up the next morning with my body saying "Good morning - let the itching begin!" Itch?? That word is nowhere near strong enough. I itched so bad I wanted to scratch my flesh off! It was the same level as the worst case of poison ivy or fire ant bits I've had. Scratching was almost sexual, it felt so good! I was going insane! I popped 2 Benadryl first thing that morning to help combat the itch, and dug out the tube of Cortisone. Aw shit! while I did have Cortisone, it was ointment instead of cream. Great. Wonderful. but I had no choice, I couldn't manage without it. So, I slathered anti-itch ointment all over my bikini area and got dressed for work. It was such an icky feeling - I swear I felt like Burt Reynolds in Striptease where he covered himself in Vaseline and said "I can feel it squish my toes".

It's been 4 days now and thankfully things are all back to normal - until next time at least. I keep telling myself that it'll be worth it in the long run. I can handle two more treatments in order to be hair free permanently. Can't I?? I don't know. I'm just not sure I'll have the nerve to go through it all again!