Old Bad Habits

Dance with the Devil, the Devil doesn't change... the Devil changes you...

That's the quote I think of when I think of myself and how I led my life from December 2005 to August 2007... Almost 2 years of losing my sanity... and almost my family...

It blows me away how easy it is to fall back in to old habits - you don't even think about it, but there you are...

An old friend contacted me last week... We hadn't spoken in 6 months... but the instant we spoke online, I was instantly back into the routine. My old habits of lies, half-truths, etc (to my family & friends) came back immediately. I wasn't even aware of it until later. I had no reason to hide things or twist the truth, but I did just because I could.

Even though others disagree - I still don't think my old friends are bad people, that they set out to be that way deliberately. But just for some reason, when I'm with either one, I don't think before I act. The little signal that everyone has in her brain, the one that tells you something is a bad idea, your little Jiminy Cricket I guess - doesn't kick in for me. I don't look before I leap per se - and I've ended up in a few places and situations I should not have been.

Last week, I had to tell my friend goodbye - again. This time permanently. It really was just so easy to pick back up where I'd left off. The only way I can describe it is an alcoholic falling off the wagon. You have to stay away from the temptation all together, and that means I have to cut all contact with my old friends. I am not going back there again. I was able to fix things before I crossed the point of no return last time, and I'm not going near it again.

I do miss my friends - terribly sometimes. But I don't miss the heartache, headaches, and drama that seemed to be constant when I was around them. Sometimes it's best to just close the book on one chapter in your life & move on to the next. This is one of those times. If they read this, I hope they know that I wish them both the best in whatever the future holds, and I'll never forget them.